We must combine the toughness of the serpent with the softness of the dove, a tough mind and a tender heart

The girl that's
Hard as nails
Tough as stone
With a heart of gold

A friend’s way of describing me quite an oxymoron

I pray this pain will go away from me someday

I miss her so much, she lives 5 minutes away and it feels like halfway across the country with this silence and rift the size of the Grand Canyon. Most days I just want to drive over there and hold her and never let go. Swallow my pride and say fuck it losing you is not worth this heartache. We were both always to stubborn for our own good. I can’t believe it’s already been 5 months some days it feels like a lifetime and other’s like yesterday. I am not better off without you for you always were and will always be my rock and stability in this world. I hope you come back to me soon for I am losing my sanity without you.I always needed you more than you needed me.

Currently Reading- When Christ and his Saint’s slept By Sharon Kay Penman
Currently Listening- Unwritten Natasha Bedingfield

Siamese Dream

So its 5:30 in the morning and I haven’t slept in 48 hours so I felt like whoreing my favorite song and I love this version of it but nothing will ever beat seeing it performed live. People don’t understand my obsession with this song or why I tattooed the lyrics on my back but if you get verse in the song then you will understand.So I’m off to go resort to the bottle of ambien that I hate so I can get some sleep

Pink ribbon scars
That never forget
Ive tried so hard
To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings
Were bruised and restrained

Branding

So I’m thinking of getting a brand and the so far the consensus is I’m insane but we already knew that. It’s called Fineline Electro-Cautery Branding I’m going to get two hearts connected with a chain with the boy’s initials in each one. Oh boy am I going to get bitched out for this if she didn’t like the tattoos she is so going to flip over this shit. I even had one friend tell me she thinks I just have a kink for pain I was laughing so hard I couldn't breath after that one.

http://www.fakir.org/classes/basicbranding.html

I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken

Were sending you away my dear cause we don’t know what else to do. You’re not worth the effort of trying a little harder to find out what’s really wrong. So we found this place for you to go tough love is what they call it. They will take care of everything with some magic pills so what if you just can’t focus on them or they make you feel sick. You’re nice and complacent now and that’s all I ever wanted. Twenty years later and the mantra still repeats I’m not worth it to fix been broken to long.

Trust a nitwit society like this one to think that there are only two categories - gay and straight.

Ok people I am going to say this one last time and then you are all going to shut up and leave us the fuck alone. Yes my son freely admits he's bi (personally I think he leans more towards straight out gay) does this bother me. Absolutely not he's happy and comfortable with himself so that is fine with me. So all you naysayers that say he is confused and that there is no way he can know at 14 what he wants fuck you. I will not allow your homophobic attitudes to tear down my child. So if your going to bitch to me about my liberal parenting, be homophobic and tell me the bible ( by the way biggest piece of fiction ever written) condemns it, and or tell me or give me pamphlets for gender issues training we don't want or need you as Friends. So go crawl back into your little holes and fuck off. End of rant

"Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"

I don’t remember when it all started to spin out of control, when all was lost and the vortex started to pull me under. I am a person that thrives on control but it seems I only have it in one place. That is why I play the game cause even when the world swirls around me I am completely and utterly the one in charge of it. What I say goes no questions asked of me no answers give beyond yes. I know people wonder when I lost my way and I can’t tell them the exact moment because I don’t recall when it was and maybe because I didn’t totally lose it just have a bump in the road. They say I have changed but it has been fifteen years I hope I would have a little when did change become a bad thing. You change a little to adapt to what life throws at out to you would I have a different personality if I didn’t have to deal with it all in my head.

With the first one when I was eight I was a child for gods sake what did I know. He knew what he was doing knew he was raping a child and continued to for 3 years. He disappeared out of my life when I was twelve and I never told anyone the story till I was seventeen.

Or when I was sixteen and started dating a cruel and evil man. Not at first but he slowly showed his true colors until that night when he finished me off when I was no longer a child or a teenager but a battered and bleeding woman. Three weeks later in a doctor’s office I found out bruises, and bite marks wasn’t all he gave me that night he also gave me my son.

Then the one person that I thought would save me I pushed away I realize now all he wanted was to be let in but I couldn’t risk my heart again and in the end I did anyway only realizing to late to fix us. He once called me an angel but I am sure he doesn’t feel that way anymore. He makes me want to be a better person to allow him and everyone else in. Isn’t that the right reason to love someone when you love them so much they make you want to be a better person for them.

This wasn’t a pity party my therapist said maybe if I write it down and get it all out I can move on and finally let myself fell whole again.

True friendship can afford true knowledge

Didn't realize how much I missed her it was nice to hang out again and just be me. Thank you for understanding and caring I'm sure you don't realize it but in a small way you made me realize I do want to live.

Homosexuality is a discovery, not a choice or a sin

Ok so a friend of mine thinks I just outed myself tonight. We got on the topic of what if sex partners (oh come on everyone has had this convo at least once). She says that there has to be at least 1 gay exception my response “I can only have one”. She asks how many I have and I say idk maybe 3 or 4. Her “ ok bitch you been holding off you just outed yourself”. So the point of that long winded intro is, why can I not say another female is nice, gorgeous, or totally fuckable if I was gay and it not be bad come on we live in 2008 here jeez people.

And just because the finale list females included

Angelina Jolie
Natalie Portman (around the time the movie closer was made)
Amy Lee (Evanescence)
Matthew McConaughey (circa 1996 to 1998)
Joshua Jackson

Breakdown, Break Free, Break Out

Not sure which one of these three I want or need to do.
Most of the time it feels like I am treading water in the middle of an undertow.
Should I try to keep above or just let it swallow me whole?
All we have left our five minute conversations on the phone and I’m not sure if I can take much more of this solitude.
Whoever said life is what you make it never had there’s ripped out from under them.

Currently Listening – Long Black Veil
Currently Reading – The Handmaids Tale

My Tiny Dancer

So I finally got it yes I love it. There’s something cathartic about it. It's like a safe way of hurting yourself I know that sounds bad.

However anybody that tells you it dont hurt is full of shit.

Cruel Heartless Bitch

Am I cruel?
Absolutely

Am I heartless?
At one point no but now yes (what did expect you took my kids).

Do I hate you?
I can never hate but I also don’t think its love anymore.

God is closest to those with broken hearts.

So this is what it feels like to have your life ripped out from under you. Amazing how it doesn't really hurt anymore just kind of a dull ache in my heart. Right at the spot that used to hold there hearts goodbye my lovely boys mommy always loved you.

Just because her eyes don't tear doesn't mean that her heart doesn't cry and just because she comes off strong doesn't mean there's nothing wrong. ...

Don't play with my trust. It's like glass broken easily, and almost impossible to fix.

Each betrayal begins with trust.

How does it feel to know you have betrayed the one person you were supposed to love unconditionally? Have fun fixing your mistakes just remember I was one of them or so you always told me.

Obama,Katrina

Ok so did anyone watch Nightline tonight there are hurricane Katrina victims still living in trailers and apparently these trailers are making them sick because they are contaminated. So here is the thing the government is talking about giving us tax rebates of $800 to $1600. Doesn't it make more sense to take that money and use it to help the Katrina victims still displaced or some other group of people that need it way more than we do. I don’t know just a thought I guess. Also in other news Obama took SC yippee I knew my home state was good for something. I like this man because of his views of persons with Disabilities. As a mother of a child with a few disabilities this is worth it to me.

“We must build a world free of unnecessary barriers, stereotypes, and discrimination .... policies must be developed, attitudes must be shaped, and buildings and organizations must be designed to ensure that everyone has a chance to get the education they need and live independently as full citizens in their communities.”
http://www.barackobama.com/issues/disabilities/

Currently Listening: The Killers- Bones
Currently Reading: Kabbalah

Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate

Hope is now lost
Faith is now dead
Go to hell

TWLOHA

Found this organization just wanted to post the links

http://www.myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms

http://www.twloha.com/index.php

She waits for me, my lady Earth, Smiles and waits and sighs; I'll say her nay, and hide away, Then take her by surprise

Ugh I hate the rain it is fuckin pouring out massive buckets of rain plus thunder and lighting. Yuck and I have to work in this shit yipee I suppose I will get my ass up and get ready now oh yeah an after thought lost my Ipod yesterday.

Edit found the Ipod under the car seat

2007 My year in review

Well let’s see I realized I am never getting him back, strike one for me being a cold-hearted bitch. I was and am still threatened with the state of CT taking away my kids (sorry if I don’t want them to turn into part of the mindless, soulless, heartless masses fuck you to). I wouldn’t say dated but had a casual relationship with a guy that made me realize that it is ok to be me curves and all (thanks lover). I lost one of the longest friendships that I have ever had 15 years gone in the blink of an eye (Judas). Every day was and still is a struggle to not want to swallow the whole damm bottle of pills or run a razor blade down my arm. I am obsessed with death life is just a gun barrel to our heads. I am going down with the grace of a sinking ship. Hopefully 2008 will be better and if not at least I am still alive if you can call this living.

Reading: A Thread Of Grace (still)
Listening To: Beautiful -Smashing Pumpkins

If love will finds its way, then it must be lost!

I am starting to understand why women become lesbians men FUCKIN suck do they ever grow up I think it might be Peter Pan syndrome is there such a thing.

Currently Reading: A Thread of Grace
Currently Listenting: Even Angels Fall Michelle Branch