There are only a handful of people that I am sure love me enough to make it through the pits of hell. But it feels incredible to know that I have them

Read or heard the title somewhere and it came back to me today. How true the words rang in my ears thank you all that understood and just held me as I cried the first real tears I have been able to in a long while. My heart and world are not fixed yet but I will slowly get back the person I once was.

Currently Listening to: Blink 182
Currently Reading : Ayn Rand

Shots in the dark

OMG this hangover is going to be a bitch in the morning.
Alcohol induced moments that leave you saying why did I do that
The next morning are not good and I already now that in 6 hours
When I get up for work that is how I am going to feel
Kisses that burn the lips of a stranger
When it should be someone all too more familiar
Shit, Fuck, And Damm no more tequila for me ever

Fuck Off

I just want to tell them all to fuck off; we have become a society that is obsessed with fixing everyone. Ok explanation of that one they want me to strongly consider (subtext do it or we will charge with medical neglect) putting my 10 year old son on mood stabilizers. Yeah ok sometimes I think the world as a whole is just dammed so why fight I have been asked. I am fighting for him I am his biggest defender and the person that gave him life and I now fighting to protect that life with all I have in me.


Currently listening to: the best sound in the world my son’s light breathing in his sleep
Currently Reading: The Red Tent

The unbearable lightness of being (title borrowed from Milan Kundera go read it)

Numbness has become the norm
This overwhelming feeling of nothingness
I just want to tune out the world and tune in to my soul
Only problem with that is I have no soul left they have stole it away
Fake smiles that everyone sees
Real Tears that nobody sees
I bear my true heart to only her because she gets it
She gets all my insecurities and me
She understands because she has been there to
She has swallowed the bitter disappointment along with the pills
Me I choose the more messy option
The blood that runs warm from my veins
Only to feel cold to my touch
My life has become fractured into pieces of what it once was
Nobody can put this broken and bleeding heart back together
My misery is my own to bear it defines my life and kills my soul
Soon it will end the only thing to figure out is how

When The World Crashed in and Went Wrong

I did what I had to and now it is done I can not take it back oh how I wish I could
Love has become a past tense word and hate and disgust the present ones. I know where I went wrong I just can’t go back and change it and I am tired of saying sorry. You hate me with as much passion as I love you.