"Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"

I don’t remember when it all started to spin out of control, when all was lost and the vortex started to pull me under. I am a person that thrives on control but it seems I only have it in one place. That is why I play the game cause even when the world swirls around me I am completely and utterly the one in charge of it. What I say goes no questions asked of me no answers give beyond yes. I know people wonder when I lost my way and I can’t tell them the exact moment because I don’t recall when it was and maybe because I didn’t totally lose it just have a bump in the road. They say I have changed but it has been fifteen years I hope I would have a little when did change become a bad thing. You change a little to adapt to what life throws at out to you would I have a different personality if I didn’t have to deal with it all in my head.

With the first one when I was eight I was a child for gods sake what did I know. He knew what he was doing knew he was raping a child and continued to for 3 years. He disappeared out of my life when I was twelve and I never told anyone the story till I was seventeen.

Or when I was sixteen and started dating a cruel and evil man. Not at first but he slowly showed his true colors until that night when he finished me off when I was no longer a child or a teenager but a battered and bleeding woman. Three weeks later in a doctor’s office I found out bruises, and bite marks wasn’t all he gave me that night he also gave me my son.

Then the one person that I thought would save me I pushed away I realize now all he wanted was to be let in but I couldn’t risk my heart again and in the end I did anyway only realizing to late to fix us. He once called me an angel but I am sure he doesn’t feel that way anymore. He makes me want to be a better person to allow him and everyone else in. Isn’t that the right reason to love someone when you love them so much they make you want to be a better person for them.

This wasn’t a pity party my therapist said maybe if I write it down and get it all out I can move on and finally let myself fell whole again.