PTSD

His arms around me telling he loved me
Later that night
The same arms hold me down
I remember it all the slap the punch the black eye
begging him to stop and him getting off on it
not knowing the worst was yet to come
the force with which he made me do it
his hand over my mouth so I would not scream
violently pushing himself on me
it became a living nightmare
one that I want to forget but can't
2 years of beatings, put downs , and rapes
I could not save him
Now I am the one that needs to be saved

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing

Me need sleep

jeez i went to bed at a normal hour like a normal person fall asleep and now I am up at 4:30 in the morning WTF god if I don't get some real sleep soon my head is going to implode. Wait, worry, dream of how it use to be.

Tired Hearts, Exhausted Minds

Your eyes looking at the clock say go to bed your lids are heavy with sleep but it will not come. You spend the night awake going over and over in your mind everything that went wrong. You can’t remember the good because the bad drowns it out; you think does he remember anything good himself or stay awake at night also. He called you an angel and then 8 years later suddenly you’re the devil in this little masquerade of life. Left to explain it to the little boy whom is your greatest creation destined to become bigger and better then both of you. So next time and angry word or a violent temper try to get the better of you stop, breathe, and think of the fall out that will come later it will be so much worse then the cause of your anger.

Currently Reading: Oliver Twist
Currently Listening To: Panic At The Disco
TV: Watched some lifetime movie with Michelle Trachtenberg in it this afternoon.

Welcome Home

When I am gone, release me, let me go, I have so many things to see and do.
You mustn't tie yourself to me with tears, Be happy that we had so many years.
I gave you my love, you can only guess, How much you gave me in happiness.
I thank you for the love you each have shown, But now it's time I traveled on alone.
So grieve a while for me, if grieve you must, Then let your grief be comforted by trust.
It's only for a while that we must part, So bless the memories within your heart.
I won't be far away, for life goes on, So if you need me, call and I will come.
Though you can't see or touch me, I'll be near, And if you listen with your heart, you'll hear. All of my love around you soft and clear,
And then, when you must come this way alone,
I'll greet you with a smile and "Welcome Home."

O That the door with hollow slam would close upon me sudden for I cannot meet in all unknown chambers of the dead such horrors (borrowed from Keats)

I love not for me but for them
I live not for me but for them
I care not for me but for them

They listen not to me but to them
They take all that I have but give none in return
When I was lost I picked myself up and carried on
Even with this heavy and bleeding heart
I have not moved on just away
I lock myself in the prison that is my head
I will not let them in
For If I do they will win

OK this was my attempt at making my head and heart feel better but it only made it worse.
Currently reading: going between 2 right now Poetical works of Keats and Poe
Currently listening to: The Hush Sound
Currently Watching: Hell I can't remember when the TV was last on I would rather read

My Kid Cracks Me Up

aim discussion with him
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:07:49 PM): go away\
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:07:51 PM): !!!!!!!!!!!!
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:08:00 PM): i told u ur grounded
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:08:02 PM): its bed time
mad52775 (11:08:03 PM): what
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:08:07 PM): young lady
mad52775 (11:08:13 PM): oooh I young now
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:08:20 PM): lol
mad52775 (11:08:19 PM): yessss
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:08:32 PM): no ur old
mad52775 (11:08:38 PM): hahha love you to
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:08:52 PM): ur 3241237461240 years old
mad52775 (11:08:56 PM): and ur a pain in the ass
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:08:59 PM): and im innopcent angel
mad52775 (11:09:00 PM): oops but
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:09:08 PM):
mad52775 (11:09:31 PM): yeah right you forget I gave birth to you
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:09:42 PM): true
mad52775 (11:09:41 PM): I know your not innocent
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:10:01 PM): nope
mad52775 (11:10:03 PM): you can't be your my kid
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:10:07 PM): not really
mad52775 (11:10:17 PM): wait im lost
mad52775 (11:10:31 PM): not really waht
mad52775 (11:10:35 PM): my kid
mad52775 (11:11:02 PM): I think the hospital bill and the labor beg to differ
mad52775 (11:13:19 PM): where you go
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:13:31 PM): right here
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:13:38 PM): bu me go beddy nght
mad52775 (11:13:57 PM): ook love ya wait answer the ? firstTW1ST3D5P4WN (11:15:04 PM): i love u 2

hahah can always make me smile

Sleepless Nights Restless Hearts

Well once again it's 1:32am and I can't sleep surprise surprise. God I need to get a life and my kids are driving me to drink or to rubber room I am not sure what is worse right now. On the up side my 2 days off this week are supposed to be gorgeous outside. Devil's hopyard here I come outdoors hiking the trails yessss that is the best. Maybe that will relax me and I can sleep for once goodnight I will go read Keats now

If Only

I can’t seem to turn my head off tonight or lately these thoughts keep pushing in. If only I had tried harder, if only I would have listened more and yelled less. Would he have stayed or still left. I loved him for so long from the moment I heard him say all those sweet words that night but life dealt me a bad hand and I didn’t try to fix it till it was to late when I finally told him he just walked away and I was left with the if only’s.

It’s to late to fix and my heart is to broken to care

Bestest Friend

Ok Ms Shel I sent you a link to this so you can see help me play with it (and nothing perverted)hehehe you know I love ya

Don't Know

ok I have no idea why I am doing this beyond the fact that someone said I wouldn't and you can not ever tell me I can not or will not do something. I will just to prove you wrong. Oh and for your info P.I.T.A stands for pain in the a** which I can be ok that is all my pillow is calling me and why the hell is my phone ringing at this hour.