CPS/DCF Rant Quote

"A nation can survive its fools, and even the ambitious. But it cannot survive treason from within. An enemy at the gates is less formidable, for he is known, and he carries his banners openly. But the traitor moves among those within the gates freely, his sly whispers rustling through all the alleys, heard in the very hall of government itself. For the traitor appears no traitor. He speaks in the accents familiar to his victims, and he wears their face and their garments, and he appeals to the baseness that lies deep in hearts of men. He rots the soul of a nation. He works secretly and unknown in the night to undermine the pillars of a city. He infects the body politic so that it can no longer resist. A Murderer Is Less To Be Feared." Cicero, 42 B.C.

“One should rather die than be betrayed. betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope"

It feels like some might as well have stuck a knife in my heart and twisted. It would be much less painful and do its job for more quickly. I wish for her downfall like she brought upon mine.

Fire,Ice, and cold hearted bitches

This friendship has gone up in flames, just remember who lit the match.

Currently Listening To- Goo Goo Dolls-Iris
Currently Reading- A Thread Of Grace by Mary Doria Russell

Et tu, Brute

So now they have become like Judas
Although I must say they do command I much higher price
He only got 30 pieces of silver,Instead they want my son
I can kind of understand how Jesus and Julius Caesar must have felt
To know that you have been betrayed by one of your best friends
And to rub salt in the wound your parents help them
Of course my mother always did have her Medea like qualities.
So do I go down fighting or just roll over and play dead.
I do not know nor do I understand there reasoning behind this.
However it is pretty sad when it no longer hurts maybe it is because
I have no heart or soul left just a black shell

Currently Listening: Nine Inch Nails Closer
Currently Reading : East Of Eden

Were Not In Kansas Anymore ToTo

There’s no place like home
What a crock of shit
Give me the Technicolor dream any day
Home is pills to make me happy
Pills to make me sleep
Tired of this black and white nightmare
I want to wish myself into a better life
And you into a worse one
I am walking through life
With a masquerade face


Currently listening to: Smashing Pumpkins Today
Currently Reading : Snow flower and the Secret fan

Hitting The Bottom

Life skidding out of control nobody gets it though
except maybe you but even you don't know it all
what I keep locked away is for me alone
if i let it out it will destroy this facade I have built
I think everyone knows but to say the words
will make it real and my head and heart hurt to much

I know the other one knows about this blog whether or not they choose to read it sorry even though I know it will never be enough.

Currently Listening To: My Chemical Romance- The Sharpest Lives
Currently Reading: The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test

“Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it's letting go.”

When did I become so strong, when did this broken train wreck of a girl decide that shedding a tear was a bad thing. Hiding behind fake smiles when it crashed down with one look all he said was “what makes you so unhappy your smile never reaches your eyes” my only response was to say “ life”. Came home and looked and in the mirror and realized I don’t like the women I have become but I like the girl I once was even less. So what is worse being strong and unable to cry or being so vulnerable that everyone takes advantage of you?

The Curse

You are my curse that is all you will get what I mean




Currently Listening To: Smashing Pumpkins-Today
Currently Reading: Children of the Flames: Dr. Josef Mengele and the Untold Story of the Twins of Auschwitz

Life Summed Up In A Fortune Cookie

Don’t let the past and useless details choke your existence. Thought this one was pretty interesting.


Currently Listening To: Rod Stewart (hush I happen to like his song)
Currently Reading : The Handmaids Tale

Mood Swings

Ugh he is at it again how can that sweet baby boy of mine go from happy to enraged in 10 seconds flat. Now his room looks like a tornado hit it he threw everything around, ripped up a notepad, and broke the glass figures on his dresser. Well I guess I am off to clean up another one of his messes.

There are only a handful of people that I am sure love me enough to make it through the pits of hell. But it feels incredible to know that I have them

Read or heard the title somewhere and it came back to me today. How true the words rang in my ears thank you all that understood and just held me as I cried the first real tears I have been able to in a long while. My heart and world are not fixed yet but I will slowly get back the person I once was.

Currently Listening to: Blink 182
Currently Reading : Ayn Rand

Shots in the dark

OMG this hangover is going to be a bitch in the morning.
Alcohol induced moments that leave you saying why did I do that
The next morning are not good and I already now that in 6 hours
When I get up for work that is how I am going to feel
Kisses that burn the lips of a stranger
When it should be someone all too more familiar
Shit, Fuck, And Damm no more tequila for me ever

Fuck Off

I just want to tell them all to fuck off; we have become a society that is obsessed with fixing everyone. Ok explanation of that one they want me to strongly consider (subtext do it or we will charge with medical neglect) putting my 10 year old son on mood stabilizers. Yeah ok sometimes I think the world as a whole is just dammed so why fight I have been asked. I am fighting for him I am his biggest defender and the person that gave him life and I now fighting to protect that life with all I have in me.


Currently listening to: the best sound in the world my son’s light breathing in his sleep
Currently Reading: The Red Tent

The unbearable lightness of being (title borrowed from Milan Kundera go read it)

Numbness has become the norm
This overwhelming feeling of nothingness
I just want to tune out the world and tune in to my soul
Only problem with that is I have no soul left they have stole it away
Fake smiles that everyone sees
Real Tears that nobody sees
I bear my true heart to only her because she gets it
She gets all my insecurities and me
She understands because she has been there to
She has swallowed the bitter disappointment along with the pills
Me I choose the more messy option
The blood that runs warm from my veins
Only to feel cold to my touch
My life has become fractured into pieces of what it once was
Nobody can put this broken and bleeding heart back together
My misery is my own to bear it defines my life and kills my soul
Soon it will end the only thing to figure out is how

When The World Crashed in and Went Wrong

I did what I had to and now it is done I can not take it back oh how I wish I could
Love has become a past tense word and hate and disgust the present ones. I know where I went wrong I just can’t go back and change it and I am tired of saying sorry. You hate me with as much passion as I love you.

It's back

I am getting that felling again like I want my head to turn off and the world to drown out. Why can’t it just stop the world comes at me from all sides lately I have to deal with everyone else’s problems and just don’t have time for my own. I spend most nights pleading with myself to just ignore this felling and it will stop but it doesn’t and there is only one way for it to end.

Currently listening to: local band Omerta Verse
Currently Reading: My son’s music lyrics yes he lets me he likes my constructive criticisms

Anger Managmet

Why are people so angry lately my son had become a real pain in the ass. He has some major anger management issues. I guess it really is not good sign when every time you ask him to do anything you get a knot in the pit of your stomach wondering how he is going to react. Unfortunately I have felt that know many other times when his father was around. God I would do anything for him not to turn out like that man.

Currently Listening: Fall Out Boy-Bang The Doldrums
Currenly Reading: Embracing the Moon: A Witch's Guide to Rituals, Spellcraft and Shadow Work

Yipee It's Not Cancer

Yes I got my results back and it is not cancer. Yes Yes Yes thank the stars above now I can breath a little easier. It doesn't fell like a fucking elephant is sitting on my chest.

Scared Shitless

ok I am scared shitless right now last week I found a lump in my right breast went to the Dr and they are going to biopsy it on Tuesday. This can't be happing 32 year olds don't get breast cancer do they.

The Blame Game

These eyes are spilling tears
Making puddles on my shirt
Remembering they way it was
The way it could have been

You said you tried
But you really didn’t
You never showed you cared
We played the blame game you and me

Well baby boy look were that ended
I forgot big strong men don’t show emotion
But you forget I saw you cry a little
The day I put your son in your arms

So remember well why you left
Because I will move on
And when I am gone
You will only have yourself to blame


On a side note out of the mouths of kids

Me being a smart ass when the kids were driving me nuts

Why did I have kids again?

My sons reply

Because you decided it would be a good idea to lose your virginity

I almost spit my drink all over the place LOL I trained him well

Currently Reading: The out of Synch Child
Currently Listening to: My Chemical Romance

PTSD

His arms around me telling he loved me
Later that night
The same arms hold me down
I remember it all the slap the punch the black eye
begging him to stop and him getting off on it
not knowing the worst was yet to come
the force with which he made me do it
his hand over my mouth so I would not scream
violently pushing himself on me
it became a living nightmare
one that I want to forget but can't
2 years of beatings, put downs , and rapes
I could not save him
Now I am the one that needs to be saved

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing

Me need sleep

jeez i went to bed at a normal hour like a normal person fall asleep and now I am up at 4:30 in the morning WTF god if I don't get some real sleep soon my head is going to implode. Wait, worry, dream of how it use to be.

Tired Hearts, Exhausted Minds

Your eyes looking at the clock say go to bed your lids are heavy with sleep but it will not come. You spend the night awake going over and over in your mind everything that went wrong. You can’t remember the good because the bad drowns it out; you think does he remember anything good himself or stay awake at night also. He called you an angel and then 8 years later suddenly you’re the devil in this little masquerade of life. Left to explain it to the little boy whom is your greatest creation destined to become bigger and better then both of you. So next time and angry word or a violent temper try to get the better of you stop, breathe, and think of the fall out that will come later it will be so much worse then the cause of your anger.

Currently Reading: Oliver Twist
Currently Listening To: Panic At The Disco
TV: Watched some lifetime movie with Michelle Trachtenberg in it this afternoon.

Welcome Home

When I am gone, release me, let me go, I have so many things to see and do.
You mustn't tie yourself to me with tears, Be happy that we had so many years.
I gave you my love, you can only guess, How much you gave me in happiness.
I thank you for the love you each have shown, But now it's time I traveled on alone.
So grieve a while for me, if grieve you must, Then let your grief be comforted by trust.
It's only for a while that we must part, So bless the memories within your heart.
I won't be far away, for life goes on, So if you need me, call and I will come.
Though you can't see or touch me, I'll be near, And if you listen with your heart, you'll hear. All of my love around you soft and clear,
And then, when you must come this way alone,
I'll greet you with a smile and "Welcome Home."

O That the door with hollow slam would close upon me sudden for I cannot meet in all unknown chambers of the dead such horrors (borrowed from Keats)

I love not for me but for them
I live not for me but for them
I care not for me but for them

They listen not to me but to them
They take all that I have but give none in return
When I was lost I picked myself up and carried on
Even with this heavy and bleeding heart
I have not moved on just away
I lock myself in the prison that is my head
I will not let them in
For If I do they will win

OK this was my attempt at making my head and heart feel better but it only made it worse.
Currently reading: going between 2 right now Poetical works of Keats and Poe
Currently listening to: The Hush Sound
Currently Watching: Hell I can't remember when the TV was last on I would rather read

My Kid Cracks Me Up

aim discussion with him
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:07:49 PM): go away\
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:07:51 PM): !!!!!!!!!!!!
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:08:00 PM): i told u ur grounded
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:08:02 PM): its bed time
mad52775 (11:08:03 PM): what
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:08:07 PM): young lady
mad52775 (11:08:13 PM): oooh I young now
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:08:20 PM): lol
mad52775 (11:08:19 PM): yessss
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:08:32 PM): no ur old
mad52775 (11:08:38 PM): hahha love you to
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:08:52 PM): ur 3241237461240 years old
mad52775 (11:08:56 PM): and ur a pain in the ass
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:08:59 PM): and im innopcent angel
mad52775 (11:09:00 PM): oops but
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:09:08 PM):
mad52775 (11:09:31 PM): yeah right you forget I gave birth to you
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:09:42 PM): true
mad52775 (11:09:41 PM): I know your not innocent
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:10:01 PM): nope
mad52775 (11:10:03 PM): you can't be your my kid
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:10:07 PM): not really
mad52775 (11:10:17 PM): wait im lost
mad52775 (11:10:31 PM): not really waht
mad52775 (11:10:35 PM): my kid
mad52775 (11:11:02 PM): I think the hospital bill and the labor beg to differ
mad52775 (11:13:19 PM): where you go
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:13:31 PM): right here
TW1ST3D5P4WN (11:13:38 PM): bu me go beddy nght
mad52775 (11:13:57 PM): ook love ya wait answer the ? firstTW1ST3D5P4WN (11:15:04 PM): i love u 2

hahah can always make me smile

Sleepless Nights Restless Hearts

Well once again it's 1:32am and I can't sleep surprise surprise. God I need to get a life and my kids are driving me to drink or to rubber room I am not sure what is worse right now. On the up side my 2 days off this week are supposed to be gorgeous outside. Devil's hopyard here I come outdoors hiking the trails yessss that is the best. Maybe that will relax me and I can sleep for once goodnight I will go read Keats now

If Only

I can’t seem to turn my head off tonight or lately these thoughts keep pushing in. If only I had tried harder, if only I would have listened more and yelled less. Would he have stayed or still left. I loved him for so long from the moment I heard him say all those sweet words that night but life dealt me a bad hand and I didn’t try to fix it till it was to late when I finally told him he just walked away and I was left with the if only’s.

It’s to late to fix and my heart is to broken to care

Bestest Friend

Ok Ms Shel I sent you a link to this so you can see help me play with it (and nothing perverted)hehehe you know I love ya

Don't Know

ok I have no idea why I am doing this beyond the fact that someone said I wouldn't and you can not ever tell me I can not or will not do something. I will just to prove you wrong. Oh and for your info P.I.T.A stands for pain in the a** which I can be ok that is all my pillow is calling me and why the hell is my phone ringing at this hour.