Trust a nitwit society like this one to think that there are only two categories - gay and straight.

Ok people I am going to say this one last time and then you are all going to shut up and leave us the fuck alone. Yes my son freely admits he's bi (personally I think he leans more towards straight out gay) does this bother me. Absolutely not he's happy and comfortable with himself so that is fine with me. So all you naysayers that say he is confused and that there is no way he can know at 14 what he wants fuck you. I will not allow your homophobic attitudes to tear down my child. So if your going to bitch to me about my liberal parenting, be homophobic and tell me the bible ( by the way biggest piece of fiction ever written) condemns it, and or tell me or give me pamphlets for gender issues training we don't want or need you as Friends. So go crawl back into your little holes and fuck off. End of rant

"Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"

I don’t remember when it all started to spin out of control, when all was lost and the vortex started to pull me under. I am a person that thrives on control but it seems I only have it in one place. That is why I play the game cause even when the world swirls around me I am completely and utterly the one in charge of it. What I say goes no questions asked of me no answers give beyond yes. I know people wonder when I lost my way and I can’t tell them the exact moment because I don’t recall when it was and maybe because I didn’t totally lose it just have a bump in the road. They say I have changed but it has been fifteen years I hope I would have a little when did change become a bad thing. You change a little to adapt to what life throws at out to you would I have a different personality if I didn’t have to deal with it all in my head.

With the first one when I was eight I was a child for gods sake what did I know. He knew what he was doing knew he was raping a child and continued to for 3 years. He disappeared out of my life when I was twelve and I never told anyone the story till I was seventeen.

Or when I was sixteen and started dating a cruel and evil man. Not at first but he slowly showed his true colors until that night when he finished me off when I was no longer a child or a teenager but a battered and bleeding woman. Three weeks later in a doctor’s office I found out bruises, and bite marks wasn’t all he gave me that night he also gave me my son.

Then the one person that I thought would save me I pushed away I realize now all he wanted was to be let in but I couldn’t risk my heart again and in the end I did anyway only realizing to late to fix us. He once called me an angel but I am sure he doesn’t feel that way anymore. He makes me want to be a better person to allow him and everyone else in. Isn’t that the right reason to love someone when you love them so much they make you want to be a better person for them.

This wasn’t a pity party my therapist said maybe if I write it down and get it all out I can move on and finally let myself fell whole again.

True friendship can afford true knowledge

Didn't realize how much I missed her it was nice to hang out again and just be me. Thank you for understanding and caring I'm sure you don't realize it but in a small way you made me realize I do want to live.

Homosexuality is a discovery, not a choice or a sin

Ok so a friend of mine thinks I just outed myself tonight. We got on the topic of what if sex partners (oh come on everyone has had this convo at least once). She says that there has to be at least 1 gay exception my response “I can only have one”. She asks how many I have and I say idk maybe 3 or 4. Her “ ok bitch you been holding off you just outed yourself”. So the point of that long winded intro is, why can I not say another female is nice, gorgeous, or totally fuckable if I was gay and it not be bad come on we live in 2008 here jeez people.

And just because the finale list females included

Angelina Jolie
Natalie Portman (around the time the movie closer was made)
Amy Lee (Evanescence)
Matthew McConaughey (circa 1996 to 1998)
Joshua Jackson

Breakdown, Break Free, Break Out

Not sure which one of these three I want or need to do.
Most of the time it feels like I am treading water in the middle of an undertow.
Should I try to keep above or just let it swallow me whole?
All we have left our five minute conversations on the phone and I’m not sure if I can take much more of this solitude.
Whoever said life is what you make it never had there’s ripped out from under them.

Currently Listening – Long Black Veil
Currently Reading – The Handmaids Tale

My Tiny Dancer

So I finally got it yes I love it. There’s something cathartic about it. It's like a safe way of hurting yourself I know that sounds bad.

However anybody that tells you it dont hurt is full of shit.

Cruel Heartless Bitch

Am I cruel?
Absolutely

Am I heartless?
At one point no but now yes (what did expect you took my kids).

Do I hate you?
I can never hate but I also don’t think its love anymore.